Back Story and New Beginnings.

I am re-posting my first post for those who are new to this blog to see where I am coming from and what I want to accomplish with this blog and weight loss.  I have found that by sharing it makes it easier and part of my problem has been and is that I feel I am alone in regards to this subject matter. 

I have also added a new part at the end since this was originally posted in 2010 and a lot changes in a few years!

So here are MY weighty Issues.

From January 2010:  

So I started this blog in 2009 to keep as a private journal in an attempt to track my feelings, thoughts and progress as I lose weight. However as I encountered my own continued frustrations with attempting to lose weight I never really felt inspiration to blog, especially when there was no positive result. I am actually a pretty introverted person and do not like opening up to too many people, especially regarding something as personal as my weight. I have always been embarrassed about it and a bit apprehensive to really talk about it. But that has all changed now! I have lost 28 pounds since last August 2009 and want to lose more by my 30th birthday on April 22. Because of this progress and the encouragement to lose more I feel now, more than ever, it is important for me to put myself out there as I attempt to lose weight.

Ever since I can remember I have struggled with my weight and have been trying to reach that point where I am both happy and healthy in regards to my weight. I have had many issues with my weight over the years and it has been a constant struggle. From lacking self-confidence because I was overweight and therefore having a lot of social awkwardness/anxiety which thus resulted in me being a loner throughout high school.  To being thrown into a very social setting and losing over 75 pounds in less than a year because I ate very little my first year in college and lost it way too quickly that I was ill-equipped mentally to handle the sudden weight loss.  To finally putting myself out there and developing the confidence in myself while also slowly putting the weight back on over many years.  To now being happy with the person I have become but extremely unhappy with my weight and ready to make a permanent and HEALTHY change. 

I have yet to find a balance with just being healthy in regards to my weight and happy with who I am. It may sound silly to people who have not had serious problems with their weight over a long period of time but it can be hard to get through the mental part of losing weight. When I had lost all my weight in college, I still unfortunately saw myself as the girl before I lost the weight. I was so use to seeing just the weight and “that” person who was overweight that I could not shake that image from my head. Looking back at pictures I realize how thin I was, but at the time I truly only saw the distorted image of a girl that I had seen my entire life.

During that time I also developed many unhealthy habits like just not eating or eating the wrong foods. As I began to find out who I was and gain more confidence through the support of my family and now husband I started feeling more comfortable in my body and with people around me and started socializing more and opening myself up to new relationships with people…however I began to feel too comfortable. I was in a great relationship with T., graduated from college, had a job, had some new friendships in my life and as a result started slacking in taking care of myself due to changes in my eating habits and limited working out.

Now, as my 30th birthday approaches I know I need to make a change for myself and focus on what is good for me and I feel that it is the best time for me to make this permanent lifestyle change. I have an amazing husband, a wonderful family, a fantastic sister, caring friends, a comfortable home, a steady job but what is missing is a positive body image. I feel as I transition into this new phase in my life, I really need to take the time to become healthy in the truest form. T & I both need to eat better and work out even if it is just a little bit every day. I don’t want to have problems that are associated with being overweight for a long period of time, I also want to be healthy when I get pregnant, and I want to be a role model for my kids in every way possible. Now by no means do I think to be a good role model means I need to be “thin”, infact that is the complete opposite of what I mean as I feel a good role model is someone is comfortable with who they are, I just feel no matter how much or how little weight I lose I want to be healthy and also feel better about myself. I feel that I need to resolve any negative issues I have with my weight & body image as I would hate to project any of that on my future children. This mental “demon” has been following me around for way too long and I need to get rid of it.

Enter…this blog.

Today April 1, 2013:

By the end of 2010 I was still working to lose weight and I had managed to lose 55lbs over the year and keep it off.  Then, January 2011 our lives would change forever when I found out I was pregnant!!  Weight loss was put on hold and just making sure I didn’t gain too much weight during the pregnancy was key.  I gained about 25lbs during my pregnancy and ate well but did have some indulgences.  Then within a couple months of having Henry most of that weight had come off without changing my diet or working out….though not exactly in all the areas I had hoped.  Hello jelly belly.

I pumped until about 7 months or so and during that time, while I was pumping, I ate what I wanted and while I didn’t lose a lot of weight I didn’t gain weight either.  Continue bad habits.  This was probably the worst thing for me, because during both the pregnancy and while pumping my eating habits changed and I got into bad habits, habits that I had tried to break previously.  All of a sudden I wanted sweets every day, which I never wanted before being pregnant.  I started snacking more.  We were eating later once Henry was born and not cooking as much and eating take-out.  I wasn’t working out at all.  And these habits that I had tried to break in 2010 slowly started coming back over the next year and half.   However, I didn’t gain much weight during the pregnancy and none while breastfeeding….so I just didn’t think about it.  I really didn’t think about much of anything that had to do with myself and how I felt.

Of course I have tons of “excuses” for not taking care of myself after Henry was born.  “I didn’t have time because Henry took up so much of my time.  T & I are on such different schedules that I am alone and can’t find time to eat healthy and workout.  We can’t afford to eat healthy.  I work during the day.  I had to pump.”  Blah blah blah….   The only real excuse is that I had a rough first year after Henry was born and didn’t focus on MYSELF at all and ignored the signs that I may have some postpartum issues.  Because of that I found comfort in food, which is the worst thing you can do.

During this time I didn’t see myself as I was and saw this other person.  I think subconsciously I sabotage my weight loss.  It is weird because even though I DO NOT want to be overweight, there is also comfort in it.  Meaning, I have been that way nearly my entire life.  I am use to seeing my body that way.  I am use to thinking how people see me and what they say about me due to being heavy.  Sure, it may be all stuff I make up in my head, but I have accepted it.  I am not use to being thin.  I am not use to seeing myself that way and whenever I do lose weight, even though I am proud of it, I am also uncomfortable in my new, slimmer body.

Today my goal is to be healthy. 

Plain and simple.

While I will track my progress, the end numbers will not be what determines success or failure.

And while Terry and I make sure Henry eats very healthfully and is active, I want my son to be healthy and active not because we make him but because he is following my husband and my lead.  I do not want to project my own body image issues on him as he gets older, nor do I want him to see me angry or avoid doing things because of the way I look. 

I want to be in pictures with my family and not avoid them because of the way I look, I want to run with him, I want to take him to a water park and not sit on the side because I am embarrassed to be seen, I want to climb on the jungle gym with him without worrying if I am too big, I just want to be happy with the way I look and not even THINK about my weight.

I want to do this for him as well as for myself.

I have my motivation and what a motivation it is!!

So lets do this thang.....again.

Are you looking to get healthy?  Please feel free to share!