Here I Go, Here I Go, Here I Go Again.....

Girls, what’s my weakness?!


Um, Working out.


As much as I try to motivate myself to work out and as much as I, for whatever reason, seem to be able to motivate a few of my friends to workout I canNOT keep MYSELF motivated to workout. I go through spurts where I am doing really well and working out nearly every day. Then I slowly start cutting back or skipping work out days. Then, before you know it weeks have gone by with absolutely NO working out and I just feel discouraged.

To lose the amount of weight I want to lose, diet alone is not going to cut it. I have done a great job on cutting back and changing my diet and I have managed to lose 50 pounds since August of 2009 by changing my diet and at a tortoise pace I am continuing to lose weight solely based on cutting back portions and what I eat, but I want to lose more and lose it faster AND tone up......and for that working out is necessary.

So how do I keep myself motivated to work out?!!!!!


This is the question I do not know the answer too. I know I want to 1) feel better about myself; 2) be at a healthy weight and fitness level for when I get pregnant; 3) lose weight so I can wear a swimsuit before our vacation in May; and 4) have clothes that fit me the way they use too. Those are good reasons in my mind to lose weight and, ergo, keep working out!  However it seems that even with those reasons they alone are not always enough to keep me on track with working out especially when life just gets in the way.

I tried to start a blog or start challenges or find gimmicks to help keep me motivated to workout, but as time progresses I just get bored and even if I am seeing progress it isn’t enough to keep me going. And I just don’t get that!

I am sure part of it is just being lazy as well as my own accountability….meaning I CAN workout…..I just don’t. But I also think part of it is that I have just thought about my weight for as long as I can remember and I am just tired of thinking about it. Seriously, I was a little girl and worried about my weight. Not because I was necessarily overweight but I have always been taller and I think as a little girl I confused being taller with being bigger/fatter, especially when so many people, even boys were shorter than me until about 7th /8th grade. So yes, I am tired of thinking about losing weight, tired of thinking about working out, tired of talking about it, and very tired of constantly putting myself down for the way I think I feel and look. I am just tired of it all. I don’t want to have to think about it, I just want to be happy with my weight and move on….but then I can’t do that until I lose the weight, right?! Damn.

Nothing else and no one else can be the blame for ME not losing weight or finding time to workout. I am the cause and I know that. I say to myself so many times a week while I am laying in bed feeling frustrated and down on myself for not working out:

“You KNOW what you have to do…just do it.”

“Get up early and workout, you will feel better.”

“Come home and workout, you have time.”

“Don’t feel bad for yourself; you have already lost weight you can lose more if you want you just have to do it.”

“It doesn’t come easy, you have to work hard at this if you want to keep losing weight.”

“It takes time.”

“If you just work to lose the weight now, you will not have to think about it anymore.”


But as many positive and encouraging affirmations I can say to myself in the dark at night while laying in bed; the realization & motivation when I wake up in the morning seems to all but disappear and the frustration and insecurity I have once again set in and I just think this is it….I need to just accept this is how I will look. And NO, this is not necessarily totally a defeatist attitude because part of my problem IS me learning to accept the way I look and being OK with not just who I am on the inside but who I am on the outside. This can be a hard reality for me to achieve as no matter what weight I have been, this is the one thing that has never fit. Even when I was thin, I only "saw" what I use to look like when I was bigger….NOT what I actually looked like. Looking back at pictures now I don’t know if I should laugh or cry at the thought of how crazy I was when I complained about “how fat I looked”. So part of me even wonders if I will ever see the real me or if I will always have a distorted image of what I look like stuck in my head? And unfortunately I do not know the answer to that now and it really scares me.

So long story even longer, I am trying to get any enthusiasm I had back for working out. I am trying to find something in myself to push me to workout and stay focused. I honestly have no idea what it will be or when it will click in. I know I have to change the way I think about all of this stuff. My weight, working out, my body image. Until then I am just going to keep trying to go at this whole weight loss thing slowly and steadily….even if it takes more time then I want I am hoping that the result while still be the same in time.  And I am hoping that this thing inside me that is preventing me from seeing myself for how I really am will go away.  (More to come on some of this.)

I am also going to try to post more on this blog as it really is a great and much needed outlet and support for me. I am hoping that just talking about some of my issues, fears, and roadblocks will help me to start being able to get over them.   And this is one outlet I am trying to use.